I was with one of my favorite people the other night. We had a great time, we always do. Then I noticed that we quickly fell into complaining about our men. Her relationship spans more than 30 years while I consider mine still fledgling at just over four. It doesn’t matter. We share the same symptoms. It got me thinking, so I asked around and heard the same thing over and over: “Romance is dead.”
My dear friend told me her man ignored a special birthday. He didn’t even buy her a card. My guy failed to buy me the holiday gift I asked for and that he agreed to purchase – opting instead to give me nothing. You read that right – nothing. He will be in the doghouse for a long while for that one. Another friend told me she got everything she wanted for Christmas but she bought it all herself. Rather than provide a list, she actually did the shopping. At least her man was thoughtful enough to wrap everything.
This got me thinking about the way we behave in relationships, and our desire to have it all. We want our men to pamper us, we want them to recognize us as the independent and strong women we are, and we want romance.
Fuzzy Slippers
Me, I am a fuzzy slippers kind of girl. Michael –my uber-patient partner – is a lingerie kind of guy. I obsess over the extra 20 pounds around my middle while he obsesses over wrapping his arms around it. I like being comfortable, wearing sweatpants and fuzzy ‘Hello Kitty’ slippers (seriously), he prefers a little sexy something. Most of the time I want comfort in front of the television, but when I am ready for romantic dinners and loving gestures, I expect those too.
The Languages of Love
My friends and I talk about the concept of love languages frequently. If you haven’t read the book “Five Love Languages” by Gary Chapman, check it out. It’s an eye opener. In short, there are five key ways we prefer to demonstrate and receive love – through touch, gift giving, spending time, providing services and words of praise. Michael likes gifts, I like time and praise. Let’s be honest, we all like praise. One of my friends wants help around the house – services; for another its more kisses and affection – touch. Interestingly, the way we give love may not be the way we want to receive love.
All of this complicates things for our partners and spouses, regardless of age or gender. We send mixed messages. I hear myself telling Michael to read romance novels or watch chick flicks with me. I tell him they will give him the right idea. I ooh and ahh when he brings me flowers, even though I always tell him not to buy me anything. After all, they capture women’s ideas of romance.
Or do they?
I know that I am just creating new problems by pointing Michael to my novels. It was fabulous writing that sexy scene in “Beholden” full of steamy romance and the prospect of getting caught in the parking garage In flagrante delicto. But would I actually want to risk it? And for God’s sake, it’s the dead of winter here in Chicago! Give me someplace warm, please.
What we fantasize may have little or nothing to do with what we actually want. Wasn’t that part of the appeal of “Fifty Shades of Grey?” I think many of us dream of finding a powerful and demanding billionaire who takes us flying and buys us cars, but Christian Grey is cold and distant. I, for one, want someone who washes dishes after dinner, cuddles up to me and then listens to what I have to say. I want to cook together, read the newspaper together and share my hopes and dreams.
So I ask all of you, can we have comfort and romance too? Do we sacrifice one when we reach for the other? Let me know what you think.