Why We Keep Choosing Mr. Wrong (and How to Finally Change)
What was I thinking?
Have you ever looked back at a relationship and thought exactly that? Not in a judgmental way—just finding yourself curious.
I admit, I have. Often.
In the moment, things felt right. Exciting. You felt the inevitability. It must have been fate. Or it’s so comfortable, this must be your soulmate.
And then, later, with a little distance, you realize:
It wasn’t the person you fell for. It was the pattern.
That idea—of relationship patterns, and how we repeat them without realizing it—is what inspired my newest novel, Crazy Lessons in Love.
We Don’t Date People—We Date Patterns
One of the things I’ve noticed, both in life and in writing romance, is that we tend to choose familiar dynamics. Not always consciously.
Sometimes it’s:
- chemistry that feels like electricity
- attention that feels like validation
- unpredictability that feels like excitement
And sometimes, it’s simply what we’ve known before.
There’s actually research behind this. Psychologists often talk about “attachment patterns”—the idea that we’re drawn to relationship dynamics that feel familiar, even when they don’t serve us well. Stephanie Huang’s Simply Psychology article, “Attachment Styles in Adult Relationships” does a wonderful job of explaining this.
But over time, those patterns start to reveal themselves. And not always in ways we want.
I’ll give you a personal example.
My boyfriend of fourteen years and I broke things off recently. Interestingly, there were few tears. It was obvious to us both that things had fizzled a while ago. I had turned into a nag and he felt to me like a drag.
More than twenty years ago, my then-husband and I decided to break things off. There were few tears. It was obvious that things had ended earlier than we admitted.
And guess what? I was a nag, and he was a drag.
Yep. Same dynamic. Different decade.
I had repeated the exact same relationship pattern.
And if I’m being honest? That realization was both humbling… and clarifying.
What If We Looked Back on Purpose?
In Crazy Lessons in Love, my heroine Jules does something bold (and maybe a little crazy):
She interviews her exes.
Not to reconnect. Not to rekindle anything. But to understand.
- What went wrong in her earlier relationships?
- What did she miss in choosing those men—or choosing to stay?
- And what part did she play?
Because that’s the uncomfortable truth: We are part of the pattern. That doesn’t mean we need to blame ourselves, but it is useful to become aware.
Awareness is where change begins.
There’s a growing body of research around reflective practice in relationships—the idea that intentionally looking back helps us make better decisions moving forward. Interested in learning more? I like Kat Sommer’s article “How to Boost Satisfaction in Your Relationships: The Power of Self-Reflection and Introspection—and 7 Ways to Initiate it” as a starting point.
Because sometimes growth doesn’t come from moving forward. It comes from finally looking back—with intention.
The Hardest Person to Choose
There’s a twist though: Even when we do understand our patterns, we don’t always change them right away. Again—see me, repeating a pattern twenty-five years later.
Why?
Because we don’t always see ourselves clearly—especially when something new, and healthier, feels unfamiliar. They are missing that excitement, inevitability or instant comfort. And strangely, that can feel harder to trust than the chaotic rush we know and expect.
Because the “right” person doesn’t always come with fireworks. Sometimes they come with:
- consistency
- honesty
- emotional safety
There’s even a term for this: “familiar discomfort vs. unfamiliar comfort.”
We often choose what we recognize—even when it doesn’t make us happy. Divorce, Life and Health Coach, Chareen Sutherland, wrote an excellent article on the subject: “Familiar Chaos versus Unfamiliar Peace: Rewiring Your Nervous System for a Healthier Divorce” (Not that I am recommending divorce. I write romance remember?) But shifting our patterns is where things get really interesting.
Because the shift—the real shift—happens when we start choosing differently on purpose.
Why Romance Matters More Than We Think
This is why I love writing romance.
Not just for the happy endings—but for the emotional journey that gets us there.
A friend of mine, a psychologist, read Crazy Lessons in Love and suggested I market it as a self-help book. I laughed at first. But then I thought about it.
Because early readers have told me something similar:
- They see themselves in Jules.
- They recognize the patterns.
- They understand the lessons.
And that’s the magic of story. Great love stories don’t just show us what’s possible. They help us recognize ourselves along the way. They give us distance, perspective, and sometimes, the clarity we didn’t know we needed
If you’ve read books like The Happy Ever After Playlist or Book Lovers, you’ve probably felt this too—the sense that romance can be both entertaining and insightful.
So, What Finally Changes?
Not everything. Not all at once. But something shifts when you start asking different questions.
Instead of: “Why does this keep happening to me?”
You start asking: “What am I choosing—and why?”
That’s the moment things begin to change. Not because you suddenly become perfect. But because you become aware.
And awareness gives you options.
If you’ve ever:
- chosen the wrong person
- ignored the right one
- or wondered why love can feel so complicated
Crazy Lessons in Love might feel a little too real—in the best way.
And if you do read it, I’d truly love to hear what you think.